For the last week or so I haven't been able to shake these blues, well, this big black cloud following me around. They have shifted from ignoring and unsupportive to downright abusive and harrassing me, text message after text message of nastiness- and now this. I spend my days considering suicide and abortion, ways out, because I honestly cannot see a way forward any more. I sit still and fantasise about a time when none of this was happening, when I was happy in my work and had a beautiful home and was just building bridges with my parents. I dream of ways out, I stand on train platforms and see myself stepping off them as the train approaches. I lie in bed at night and tick off all of the things I would solve if I just wasn't here any more. I struggle to love my baby, to do right by him/her, when I keep smacking into walls and walls and walls of people shouting me down and worming their way inside my mind. I honestly cannot cope any more. I have become irrational, my head filled with images of dead discarded babies in hospital corridors and funeral processions and ticks in boxes. I fear that I am slowly going mental, and pushing everyone away- everyone who hasn't pushed me away first. I cannot do this any more. I have no strength left, ebbed away by hour after hour of people telling me I'm not ready, I won't cope, I have no right to bring up a child who didn't ask for it, beating me, defeating me, and I'm just struggling now. I want to go to bed and not wake up again. I just want it all to end. I want me to end. I cannot see hope or a good future, I cannot see through this at all.
So sorry if I have dragged you down, and sorry if these past few days I've made it hard for you- but I'm actually going insane. I'm not eating properly, can fit in my own pre-pregnancy jeans again, because I can't focus on what's good and what's right for my child. I'm overwhelmed by a permanent grief, and a small, evil voice creeps in and whispers that it isn't too late for a termination. That voice is my mothers, and it whispers constantly, drilling into my mind with insecurities and embedding all of my worst fears.
I feel as though I am drowning.
Drowning
drowning
drowning.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi hun I've just read an entry in your blog. I honestly don't know what to say. I really understand what you are going through. Don't think about drowning or anything like that. You can't give up NOW when you have the one chance in your life to straighten up and show that you are a girl who can love and be loved. This was a miracle pregnancy as I read your post in the Pregnancy group on facebook. This is that one chance in your life that you can show all the idiots who are heartless and who don't know what longing and love are that you don't need them and that you will be strong on your own and will love your child and your child will love you. I promise you...to your child you will be the whole world and the most important person ever!!! That is real love. Not the kind where you have to beg for it. I can suggest...if you are interested in really changing your life...you can look into Islam as it respects and welcomes those who come back to their senses before it is too late. Just a suggestion :) Maybe try visiting a new church or something like that. I can only think about religion as it is the only thing that will welcome you. I hope all goes well for you. Take care and don't hurt your baby by not taking care of yourself as it will only make things worse for you and your little bundle of love.
ReplyDelete