Drowning

For the last week or so I haven't been able to shake these blues, well, this big black cloud following me around. They have shifted from ignoring and unsupportive to downright abusive and harrassing me, text message after text message of nastiness- and now this. I spend my days considering suicide and abortion, ways out, because I honestly cannot see a way forward any more. I sit still and fantasise about a time when none of this was happening, when I was happy in my work and had a beautiful home and was just building bridges with my parents. I dream of ways out, I stand on train platforms and see myself stepping off them as the train approaches. I lie in bed at night and tick off all of the things I would solve if I just wasn't here any more. I struggle to love my baby, to do right by him/her, when I keep smacking into walls and walls and walls of people shouting me down and worming their way inside my mind. I honestly cannot cope any more. I have become irrational, my head filled with images of dead discarded babies in hospital corridors and funeral processions and ticks in boxes. I fear that I am slowly going mental, and pushing everyone away- everyone who hasn't pushed me away first. I cannot do this any more. I have no strength left, ebbed away by hour after hour of people telling me I'm not ready, I won't cope, I have no right to bring up a child who didn't ask for it, beating me, defeating me, and I'm just struggling now. I want to go to bed and not wake up again. I just want it all to end. I want me to end. I cannot see hope or a good future, I cannot see through this at all.
So sorry if I have dragged you down, and sorry if these past few days I've made it hard for you- but I'm actually going insane. I'm not eating properly, can fit in my own pre-pregnancy jeans again, because I can't focus on what's good and what's right for my child. I'm overwhelmed by a permanent grief, and a small, evil voice creeps in and whispers that it isn't too late for a termination. That voice is my mothers, and it whispers constantly, drilling into my mind with insecurities and embedding all of my worst fears.
I feel as though I am drowning.
Drowning
drowning
drowning.