Lonely Lonely.

Sitting on my sofa listening to the song Lonely Lonely by Feist probably isn't the most productive way to spend my morning. I have returned from the doctors, frustrated with the waiting, and wasting an hour before I return and drop a urine sample in for him to send to the hospital to confirm that I am pregnant. He said I should call his receptionist on Thursday, but, in my admittedly limited knowledge of these things, surely his receptionist won't be privy to my results? Times are clearly changing if she is, she's a friend of my Mums and a member of my old church. I am affronted by the sheer possibility.
My doctor says he will find me a midwife in the meantime, so clearly no hospital pregnancy test is required; he took one look at me and asked me to describe my symptoms, and said I looked glowing and exhausted, very typical symptoms of a pregnant woman! Nice to see all those years spent studying paid off then, eh doc? Glowing and exhausted. I smile to myself, as it all starts to feel a little more real now, and my plan starts to formulate in my mind.
He asked me if my pregnancy was 'unplanned', by which he meant, I suppose, what I intended to do next. I fixed him with that cheery smile that I reserve for the ladies in the canteen at work, and old friends I see in the street, and family gatherings, and force out an upbeat declaration that it is unplanned, but very welcome. I hear my words again, in that false, cheery tone, and see his relieved smile as he turns to type something onto his screen that I don't see. Unplanned, but very welcome. I see. Box three stays slammed closed, kicked to the bottom of the closet, and is not even an option now. I am haunted by images of destruction, nightmares last night that woke me, grubby and throwing my duvet from myself in the early hours of this morning, pictures of loneliness that close in on me now as I sit here, all by myself. By myself, but not alone. Never alone. Two people in every room I walk into, one, two. Two choices, one, two. Two more days until I am back at work, answering questions and explaining why I haven't got a doctors certificate, waiting for the gossip mill to start churning, the disciplinary procedures to carry on, waiting, waiting, lonely, lonely.. Lonely, lonely, that is me..